Saturday, December 1, 2012

Back to december.

Dear Heart,

What I’m going to ask of you is something selfish. And weak of me. And so stupid. But please, bear with me. And if you hear me out, please, please grant me this. One last time.

Will you stop beating in my sleep? Will you not let me see tomorrow and the days after? Will you stop pumping blood throughout my body? Will you rest so that I can rest too?

Because I do not want to experience anymore of this pain. Because I do not want you to go through the process of being broken again, when you’re far from being mended. Because I don’t know if we can both endure what’s to come. If I cannot take this hurt, how can I survive the imminent tsunami waves of pain? If I am already succumbing to the darkness, how can I stand up in the face of nothingness? If I feel as though there’s nothing left of me, how can I be sure I’m still alive?

God. I trust you know how much it hurts. And now, the emotional and mental pain has actually transformed into a physical one. I know that you know how painful the clenching of my chest is when it happens. I know you know how, on many occasions, breathing had proved to be a laborious task.Because the pain is just so overwhelming. I know you know how much it hurts.

Bestfriends.Thank you for understanding my issues, my pain, my tears and for allowing me to open up to you and know you’ll care.

Dear Heart, I owe you an apology. I need to apologize for all of the times that i haven't taken care of you like i should and for the times when i've let people walk all over you. i'm sorry :(

So, right now, I guess I’m telling you, “Maybe It’s time to give up. Maybe It’s okay to let go. Because even if I don’t want to give up, even if I don’t want to let go, I want to stop this never-ending battle we are doomed to lose. I want to stop hurting. It’s just too much.

" When you try your best, but you don't succeed 
When you get what you want, but not what you need 
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep 
Stuck in reverse "
" And the tears come streaming down your face 
When you lose something you can't replace 
When you love someone, but it goes to waste 
Could it be worse? " - Fix you ( coldplay )

p/s : I am back to Kota Kinabalu tomorrow. And back to campus after leaving it for about one and half months ago for semester break. I'm going to start my new semester on Monday and hopefully everythings gonna be alright. Insyaallah.



Wawa Amidi said...

Bie. heee:)
i read your posts, seems like bie is not okay. hihihi. jan sedih2 ya :) it will get better by time. yg penting kena kuatkan hati, and ready to move on. take ur time to move on but bukan dengan terus sedih. pungut pieces of smagat yg hlang after dtgglkan and teruskan hidup. it's hard, mmg susah. tapi lagi sedih kalau kita biarkan diri kita terus2 sedih kan? :")

be strong girl! just percaya dgn diri sendiri yg smua ni akan berlalu, we can handle this. have faith in urself :))

i pray fr ur happiness. cheersss =]]

bie atikh. said...

Yess kakak, bie is not okay. Kinda sad lah sis bila kita kena gantung then tetiba break pn bukan cara yg trhormat. rasa diperbodohkan, kan sis? sy tdk tahu sebab, tiba2 bgini. Paling sakit sis. and sy cuba lupakan semua. Useless sudah kn semua tu. Mau berharap apa kalau org tdk mahu kn? sy cuba jadi kuat tp susah sebab hati sudah hancur. Its okay mgkin mmg salah sy kn? i don't deserve her, i'm not good enough for her.
sy just mau tgok dia happy, itu jalah harapan :') thanks banyak-banyak sis!

Wawa Amidi said...

memang sakit. putus cinta ni memang sakit:") hold dalam hati diam-diam, rasa boleh burst pecah jantung tpi apakan daya...jodoh x panjang, kenalah terima kan? :") be strong even itu mmg sangat susah. just believe that u can. :D